What It Means to “Truly Love”

Michael Monroe posted this in Stories on Sunday, July 6, 2008  

I have been thinking a lot about this question of late, especially as it relates to the four children I call “mine.” Pondering such a deep and unbounded question leads to thoughts about so many different aspects of their story and my relationship with and to them.

Because each of my children were adopted this question necessarily brings me ‘face to face’ with the reality of my children’s birthparents, in particular their birthmothers. It causes me to consider and reconsider the undeniable role each of these women played in giving my children life and their relationship with my children (and my children with them) – both past, present and future.

Honestly I don’t think most adoptive parents spend enough time really looking at adoption from the perspective of birthparents. I think this may be particularly true of adoptive dads. With the ever growing prevalence of open adoption there is little doubt that birthparents may be more and better understood now than ever before. However, I still think that more of us should spend time unpacking this view of the adoption kaleidoscope. I know that is certainly the case for me.

As I continue to sift through what it means to truly love my children the thought provoking article by Miroslav Volf below came to my mind. I came across the article by Volf several years ago, just after reading his amazing book Free of Charge. Volf, himself an adoptive father, tells of his own face to face experience with one of his children’s birthmothers, and how it reshaped his view of his children’s birthmothers and gave him new insight into what it means for him to “truly love” his children.

She Who Truly Loves
-Miroslav Volf

The first thing I saw was a tear–an unforgettable giant tear in the big brown eye of a ten-year-old girl. Then I saw tears in her mother’s eyes. In these tears, just enough joy was mixed with pain to underscore the pain’s severity: joy at seeing him, their three-month-old brother and son, and intense pain at having kissed him good-bye when he was just two days old; the ache that he, flesh of their flesh, was being brought to them for a brief visit by two strangers who are now his parents; the affliction of knowing that the joy of loving him as a mother and sister usually do will never be theirs.

The joy and the pain of those tears led me to a repentance of sorts. My image of mothers who place their children for adoption was not as bad as my image of the fathers involved, but it was not entirely positive either. I could not shake the feeling that there was something deficient in the act. The taint of “abandonment” marred it, an abandonment that was understandable, possibly even inescapable and certainly tragic, but abandonment nonetheless. To give one’s child to another is to fail in the most proper duty of a parent: to love no matter what.

Somewhere in my mind, a famous verse from Isaiah colored the way I was reading birth mothers’ actions: “Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you” (Isa. 49:15). A good mother, I thought, ought to be like Israel’s God, absolutely unable to “give up” her child (cf. Hos. 11:8).

But a mother is not God, only a fragile human being living in a tragic world. So why think immediately of abandonment because she decides to place her child for adoption? The tears of our son’s birth mother and the actions which, like a beautiful plant, were watered by those tears, suggested that my view of at least some birth mothers may be not only mistaken but also morally flawed. I needed to repent and alter the image.

Later, as I was reflecting on those tears, I came across a passage in Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. “Witness the pleasure that mothers take in loving their children. Some mothers put their infants out to nurse, and though knowing and loving them do not ask to be loved by them in return, if it be impossible to have this as well, but are content if they see them prospering; they retain their own love for them even though the children, not knowing them, cannot render them any part of what is due to a mother.” The text comes from Aristotle’s discussion of friendship. He employs the example to make plausible that “in its essence friendship seems to consist more in giving than receiving affection.” For Aristotle, a “birth mother” manifests the kind of love characteristic of a true friend, a love exercised for that friend’s sake, not for benefits gained from the relationship.

“It is hard to know that you have a child in the world, far away from you,” wrote our son’s birth mother in her first letter to us. It is hard because love passionately desires the presence of the beloved. And yet it was that same love that took deliberate and carefully studied steps that would lead to his absence. In a letter she wrote for him to read when he grows up, she tells him that her decision to place him for adoption was made for his own good. “I did it for you,” she wrote repeatedly and added, “Some day you will understand.”

She loved him for his own sake, and therefore would rather suffer his absence if he flourished than enjoy his presence if he languished; her sorrow over his avoidable languishing would overshadow her delight in his presence. For a lover, it is more blessed to give than to receive, even when giving pierces the lover’s heart. My image of birth mothers had changed: “she who does not care quite enough” has become “she who truly loves.”

When we parted, a smile had replaced the tears on the face of our son’s birth mother. Now it was my turn to cry. Back at home, with him in one arm and an open album she made for him in the other, I shed tears over the tragedy of her love. Despite an intense affection for our son–no, because of such affection–I thought there was something profoundly wrong about his being with us and not with her. In a good world, in a world in which the best things are not sometimes so terribly painful, he and she would delight and thrive in each other’s love.

The encounter with our son’s birth mother left an indelible mark not so much on my memory as on my character. She helped me articulate what it means to be a good parent. A vision of parenting that was buried under many impressions and opinions emerged clearly on the horizon of my consciousness. I ought to love him the way she loved him, for his own sake, not for mine. I must not pervert my love into possession. I can hold onto him only if I let go of him.

But how can I let go of him whom I long so intensely to hold? The only way I know is by placing him in the arms of the same God from whom we received him. I remembered another deeply pained woman–a woman who suffered not so much because she had to give away her child but because, like my wife and me, she needed a miracle to receive a child. It was Hannah, the mother of Samuel. She was given the child she so desperately desired because she was willing to let go of him (1 Sam. 1:11).

Even those of us who will not set our children “before God as Nazirites,” as Hannah did, will love them best if we hold them–in God’s arms.

Miroslav Volf is the Henry B. Wright Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School.

COPYRIGHT 1998.  Reproduced with permission from the August 26, 1998 issue of Christian Century (www.christiancentury.org).

Mahaney on Leadership and Family Vacations

Jason Kovacs posted this in Resources & Links on Friday, June 27, 2008  

With summer officially here it is the season of vacations for most families. C.J. Mahaney of Sovereign Grace Ministries provides some wisdom and a challenge for fathers in this short series on the Sovereign Grace Blog. Click here to read the whole post.

Cowboys’ Ware Fulfills a Challenge for Fatherhood

Matt Donovan posted this in Stories & Resources & Links on Monday, June 16, 2008  

Images of Grace Photography

Demarcus Ware and his wife, Taniqua, just adopted their daughter, Marely. Great story. Beautiful family.

(via nyt.com)

Choosing Your Foster Agency

Daniel Donaldson posted this in Resources & Links on Thursday, May 29, 2008  

In choosing what agency is right for you (be it a private Child Placing Agency (CPA) or the state version (CPS)) there are a lot of questions you should ask. Whether you are starting the process of becoming a foster parent or are considering a change, there are a few questions that are essential as you contemplate your options. You may be the kind of person who hears a presentation or a radio ad and are ‘sold’ on that particular agency (whether CPS or CPA). I would, however, urge some caution before signing up. There are a lot of hard questions you should be asking yourself and your prospective agency and starting a relationship too soon can cause a lot of frustration for you and for the agency.

There are (at least) three things you should be keenly aware of in choosing an agency which can apply to both CPA’s and CPS:
#1. What kind of support will they give you as a foster parent?
Especially if you are thinking of going with a private CPA, support is one of your primary concerns. I say especially for CPA’s because, in general, the main draw CPA’s market is having added resources for their parents. That does not necessarily mean CPS has less resources, but at the very least it means the resources available are different. By support I mean trainings, case worker availability, and 24 hour emergency availability. Often times, ‘support’ can be confused with ‘personality’. “I like them. We clicked well.” The recruiter’s personality may be a great fit for yours but they may not be the person you are going to work with on a daily basis. Don’t just trust your first impression intuition. Get to know the organization, and at the very least find out their employee’s experience in foster care and within their organization. If this is their first job out of college and they have zero experience in foster care, your relationship may be in for some rocky moments. This is not a clear warning signal to cut them off your list, but it is a factor to consider in the process.

#2. How are they going to help you stay in compliance?
No matter what people say, the brunt of responsibility for the care of the child lies on your shoulders. How are they going to help you be compliant with the thick book of standards that govern the foster system (in Texas there are over 300 pages worth)? Do they do more than just provide you a copy of the standards? What happens if you mess up? Again, more experienced caseworkers, directors and recruiters are generally going to be a better help then less experienced.

Side Note: There is a saying among foster care professionals that is their mantra: “If it isn’t in writing, it didn’t happen.” That means paperwork is crucial, and keeping a copy of anything you turn in is a wise decision, even in the beginning stages.

#3. Whose responsibility is it to find/place children in your home?
If you are waiting for a child to be placed in your home, this question will be very important to you. You may ask, “How long will it take for me to get a placement?” but any honest agency will tell you they ultimately don’t know. There is no way to predict what kind of children are going to come into the system. They may give you an estimate, but more than likely it will be based on that person’s best guess so ought not take too much stock in the answer. What you need to know is who is the person that is actually looking through placement requests. What other responsibilities are part of this person’s job? How much time is spent looking through placements? How often will you be communicated with while your home is waiting for a placement? Can I call this person to find out what kinds of placements have been coming in? If their explanation for how they would find a child for your home, ask again. You need to have a clear picture for how the logistics work so that you can make an informed decision.

Having a good dialogue with the placement person is a good thing. It lets you know they are working for you and lets them know you are serious in wanting a placement. You can also hear why they didn’t call you and re-examine, if necessary, what you are willing to take into your home. If you are waiting for a newborn baby but have missed 10 calls on toddlers, do you need to change your preference? If you have said that you will absolutely not take a child whose parent’s have a history of schizophrenia, but 95% of the children that have come into care the past month have had parent’s diagnosed with schizophrenia, maybe you need to start researching the issue and re-assess.

Some words of warning
While on the one hand you are a consumer of sorts in the process of choosing the agency that is right for you, you have to recognize this field is not a consumer sensitive field. Not when you compare it to something like buying a house, or selecting the right college or even finding the right job. Foster care exists primarily for the children in care, not the foster parent. In addition, more than likely whatever agency you are thinking about going through is operating as best they can on limited staff, limited funds and limited time. Do not expect them to bend over backwards for you. If they do, don’t forget about the hard questions you need to ask them. Whoever you are talking with is probably keenly invested on your joining their organization, but that doesn’t mean you should. Be careful, and scrutinize, but also try to develop a realistic set of expectations. You can only be realistic as you see the options out there and compare them to each other. Also, be careful in putting too much stock in the experiences of other foster families with particular agencies, be it good or bad. This is a very broken system, so even the best of agencies are going to burn people. However, if 10 out of 10 people all have had extremely negative experience, you might listen to that. You certainly don’t want to join a sinking ship (i.e. a foster agency that loses it’s license because it is not in compliance with the standards of the state). If you are considering changing the agency you are with do your research first. The grass is not always greener depending on the issue, and even if you decide moving agencies is the right decisions, most often it will involve a lot of work and stress. I am not saying you should or shouldn’t, only that a decision like that should be made only after all other options have been exhausted.

A word of encouragement
This process is labor intensive and can last weeks or months; stick it out! These questions are just some broad category questions; for a more indepth list click here. Also, check out your local foster parent association. There is no encouragement like the kind coming from people in your same boat. There is also no perfect experience in foster care. I thought that having worked in the system myself that I was prepared for anything and that my foster parent journey would be smooth sailing. A few stormy months later I realize that at some point it gets frustrating and that’s just part of the experience. A friend of mine says often that in foster care your job is to take on the suffering for children who can’t take it on themselves. Part of that suffering is walking through paths you have never tread before and blundering through the unfamiliar and confusing… in an effort to impact the life of a child.