“What is real?” asked the Rabbit one day . . .

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse.  “It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.  “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.  “You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

This conversation is captured by Margery Williams in her children’s classic, The Velveteen Rabbit.  The Rabbit wants to become a “real” rabbit and early in the story it encounters the Skin Horse, a well worn and wise veteran toy in the nursery.  Skin Horse offers his profound insight to Rabbit – and to us – about what it means to become “real.” 

It’s likely every adoptive parent has encountered the dreaded “real parent” comment at some point.  My children are mine and I am theirs.  We are every bit a “real” family.  I am their “real” dad, my wife is their “real” mom, they are my “real” kids and they are all “real” brothers and sisters.  Believe me, we have the ups and downs, highs and lows to prove it.

Still, each of my children have a history that pre-dates me – some of it known, much more of it unknown. I am not a part of that past, but I have the opportunity to embrace it and to help my kids embrace it.

All of my children are on a lifelong journey that is physical, emotional, relational and spiritual.  I cannot travel this journey for them but I can choose to travel it with them— following their lead and compassionately guiding them when needed.

This journey will not be short and it won’t always be easy or comfortable. It is not tailored for those who need to be “carefully kept.” If I will embrace their journey as my own, however, I have the opportunity to experience a deep and lasting connection that comes from making each step of their journey an inextricable part of my own.

Co-authored by Matt Donovan & Jason Kovacs

What do you do when your wife asks, “would you ever want to adopt?” There’s no playbook answer. It’s not like “how do I look?” or “which paint color do you like?” In some ways, it’s not even the same as “do you want kids?” A lot of us know the answer to that before we even get married. For a lot of very real reasons, adoption doesn’t look attractive to men right off the bat. Never the less – your wife wants to and you feel like you should take her seriously. You’re not alone. A lot of guys find themselves in the passenger seat on the road to adoption, feeling anxious, guilty, and totally out of control.

HOW DO YOU TAKE THE REIGNS?

Have you considered praying first? Prayer is often overlooked in the frenzy to “do” something (anything!). The fact is, God has a plan for your life. Strive to be gripped by it before you make a life-altering decision. One simple thing to do would be to lookup the words orphan & fatherless in the Bible. Read those verses and their surrounding passages and ask God to give you a heart like his.

Perform a serious gut check. Maybe God is leading in another direction or saying wait. Maybe you’re worried about what others will think. Maybe you’ve got a white-knuckle grip on your ideal of a what a family is. Maybe you don’t think you could love a son or daughter that isn’t your flesh and blood. Maybe your just ticked that your wife is driving this train. Try to separate serious concerns from cowardice. God knows our hearts better than we do and He is good at helping us change and grow.

Talk to someone who’s done this before. You’re not the first man to find himself in this spot. Other people have gone before you here and they can help you understand just what kind of impact it may have on your life, including the joys and challenges. If you find someone honest, they’ve probably worked through a lot of the same junk you find yourself faced with. Find another adoptive or foster dad, buy him a beer and pummel him with questions – hard ones – the ones it seems like you shouldn’t ask another dude.

Take it a step at a time. Pray, reflect, converse, and make a move. It may just simply be a decision to start investigating the process a little more seriously. Going to an informational meeting is not a commitment to be a parent. It’s a good first step and God has promised to direct your steps (Proverbs 16:9). Your wife will probably appreciate your leadership and you can move ahead with confidence – whatever direction that may be.

Photo attribution: Martin LaBar

Myth: Birthmothers are irresponsible, selfish, and untrustworthy.

Reality: Birthmothers, experience a loss and grief adoptive parents can identify with.

My wife, Kristin, was walking into the CPS office, holding our foster child, B. He was one month old and had been with us two weeks. We had already met numerous people involved in his situation – both from the state and from our agency – and now Kristin was to meet another caseworker to facilitate B’s first parental visit with his mother.

“There’s the little man,” said a woman greeting her as she walked through the CPS doors. The woman was confident – put together. “I’m his mom,” the woman said.

Kristin introduced herself. Needing to sign some papers, she set him down in his carrier.

“Can I get him out?” his mother asked. “Is it okay if I hold him?”

Kristin was a little unsure of herself. She didn’t know what was allowed and the caseworker hadn’t arrived yet. “Of course,” she said. On top of that, B’s face had started drying out and peeling a couple days prior. “His skin was so beautiful when he first came,” she said. “I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong.”

His mother was kind to her. “You might try Jojoba oil,” she said. The women chatted about skin care until the caseworker arrived.

Some background…

We were privy to many of the details surrounding B’s removal from his mom’s care and had grown a bit haughty, developing a very one-sided view of the situation. We were good and his mom was bad. We knew that wasn’t true, but we still thought that way, at least until Kristin’s chance encounter rounded out our view of her. It didn’t make us second-guess B’s removal, but the experience made us as aware of our similarities as we had been of our differences. The more we contemplated that, the more deeply we cared for her. Occasionally, we would pray for her.

Four months later, when B went to live with his dad and grandmother, we had a very different view of our position as foster parents. We felt a faint echo of the ache his mother must have felt when he was removed. We played an important role in B’s life and we hope our prayers played a part in his mother’s life because meeting her changed us.

Our brief exchange about lotion with B’s mom informed our attitudes when we adopted our daughter months later and eventually met her birthmom. I’ll share more about that in part two. To be continued…

Myth: All adopted children will experience problems and issues.

Reality: While some adopted children will experience problems and issues, the pervasiveness of such problems is not as significant as is generally assumed. The heart of the matter, however, is that adoptive families have an opportunity to provide a child with unconditional love for a lifetime – and that love has the power to transform the lives of everyone involved.

It is more often thought than said, and it’s loaded with assumptions, myths and fear. We see it reflected in many different ways, from off the cuff statements to feature length motion pictures. I’m referring to the commonly held notion that children who were adopted have more problems than others, and for whatever reason or no reason at all if you adopt you are likely to spend a lifetime dealing with “someone else’s problem.” Sound harsh and unfair? It is, especially because on so many levels it is untrue, unfounded and obscures the true joy and blessing that so many families find through adoption.

When talking about this topic I often hear adoptive parents somewhat defensively remark that there are no guarantees that children born into families won’t also have problems themselves. While certainly true – children that enter a family whether by birth or adoption can be born with or later encounter problems, issues and challenges of various kinds – it seems to also miss the point. This line of argument likely leads directly to even more questions and discussions about if and to what extent adopted children have more problems and challenges, what those might be, whether they can be overcome and on and on.

Instead our starting point must always be to affirm that children are a gift from God (Psalm 127:3), each fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) in the image of our Creator. This is true of all children, not just those without so-called “problems.” That the brokenness of this fallen world came crashing in on a child resulting in abuse, neglect, abandonment or relinquishment in no way takes away from that child’s God-given worth and preciousness. We must always keep this in mind as it alone - not a child’s history, issues or behaviors - determines that child’s true value and worth.

With that in mind, the question still remains: Do children who were adopted experience and exhibit more problems than children born into families? The answer is yes . . . and no.

Some research and studies and have shown that adopted children do experience (in varying degrees) higher incidences of social, behavioral and educational problems and maladjustments than non-adopted children. (Psychological Issues in Adoption by Brodzinsky and Palacios (2005), p. 118).  These differences are based on a variety of factors and causes, such as age at adoption and past history of abuse or other harm. However, these differences are far less dramatic in non-clinical studies than they are in clinical studies (Psychological Issues in Adoption, p. 118). In addition, while the differences can be significant, the overall effects of these differences between adopted and non-adopted children are shown to be of a small to moderate magnitude (Psychological Issues in Adoption, p. 119). Yet at the same time, various studies show that adopted children are on par and even in some cases ahead of their non-adopted peers (see generally Psychological Issues in Adoption and a 1994 study by the Search Institute comparing adopted teens with their non-adopted peers).

The bottom line is this: each child that is adopted is as unique as each family that opens its heart and home to welcome her. Many adopted children will face challenges and issues of various kinds. These may be due in part to a prior history or abuse, neglect or trauma, the grief and loss associated with adoption itself, or they may be unrelated to adoption altogether. Whatever the case, we are left with this basic question – will these children have the unconditional love and support of a well prepared and committed family?

I am certainly not suggesting that those considering adoption, nor those of us already traveling the adoption journey, ever take lightly the potential problems, issues and challenges that children may experience. For this reason it’s extremely important that we examine our motivations and expectations, take the initiative to become educated on a wide range of relevant topics and intentionally seek out meaningful and supportive relationships with others who will offer their insight, prayers and encouragement. And far from being just a few more items on the long list of adoption “to do’s” that are important before a placement, these steps must be an ongoing part of every families journey well after their child is home.

Despite whatever difficulties and challenges may come, the miracle and the blessings of adoption remain. What others may see as “someone else’s problem,” adoptive families know as their privilege and joy. Adoption grants us a different perspective, a unique vantage point if you will, about what it means to love unconditionally. And as we learn to fully embrace our children with this unconditional love in action, amazing things will happen – not only for our children, but for us as well.

Here are a few additional resources relating to this topic:

• Empowered to Connect

• Tapestry Post-Adoption Resources

• Adoptive Families Magazine Special Report: Nature & Nurture – A New Look at How Families Work

• Search Institute Report (1994): Strengths of Adoptive Families

• University of Minnesota – MN/TX Adoption Research Project

• Evan B. Donaldson Institute Policy Paper:  Adoptive Parent Preparation Project Phase I: Meeting the Mental Health and Developmental Needs of Adopted Children by David Brodzinsky

A Different Perspective on Foster Care

By Michael Monroe and Daniel Donaldson

Myth:  Foster care is about providing a home for abused and neglected children until they can be adopted because parents whose children are placed in foster care are people who don’t care about their kids and for whom there is little or no hope.

Reality:  Foster care, properly understood, is a ministry with many different opportunities to love and serve not only abused and neglected children, but also their birth parents by praying for, supporting and encouraging them (in appropriate and healthy ways) toward healing and restoration.

Many of us approach foster care with a certain set of assumptions.  Assumptions about the system, the kids, the birth families, the social workers and on and on.  From those assumptions we often form rather rigid perspectives and understandings of how things work and how situations and people will end up.  In an effort to make it all make sense we arrive at what we believe is, and will most likely be, the norm – the ‘rule’ if you will.  And we often hold out little hope that things can and will turn out differently.

Every once in a while, however, we come across a grace-filled story that serves an ‘exception to the rule’ – and it shatters what we thought we knew about foster care.  These ‘exceptions’ stretch and challenge us even as they cause us to consider new possibilities and ask the all important question “What if?”

Kim* and Shelley’s story is just such an exception.  Their story should cause us to re-examine our ‘rule,’ consider new possibilities and ask ourselves what the foster care system might be like if we, together with thousands upon thousands of other followers of Christ, began to act as, and expect, the ‘exception to the rule.’

An Unusual Introduction

“Hi, my name is Kim and I’m here to help you get your kids back.”  Even as the words fell from Kim’s lips she couldn’t believe what she was saying.  Yet her statement, as compassionate as it was prophetic, marked the beginning of an amazing and inspiring foster care odyssey for all involved.

Kim, a young and inexperienced foster mom, had struggled for days leading up to her first meeting with Shelley.  Shelley’s young girls had been removed by Child Protective Services and were now living in foster care with Kim and her husband Steve.

“What do I say when we meet?  How do I introduce myself?  How will she react?  Do I even want to meet her?”  These questions and many more flooded Kim’s mind as she repeatedly wondered to herself, “What have we gotten ourselves into?”

Like many others, Kim and Steve got involved with foster care for a variety of reasons.  On one level they knew of the need – so many children in need of protection, care and unconditional love.  Motivated by their faith and a deep compassion for these children, Kim and Steve wanted to help and becoming foster parents seemed like the best way for their young family to do that.

At the same time they were also open, maybe even desiring, to add to their family through adoption.  In fact, the thought had already crossed Kim’s mind that maybe, just maybe, these two girls they were now fostering might one day be theirs.  Nevertheless, they became foster parents primarily to help the kids, but were now becoming aware that behind each scared and hurting child in foster care there is often one or more hurting and broken birth parents.  They felt somewhat prepared to care for their kids, but they were now coming face to face with a less obvious but equally challenging reality: to truly care for these children they would have to also care about and for their families.

So there was Kim in the CPS office standing within arm’s length of Shelley. In this uncomfortable and somewhat surreal moment their two very different worlds met, and Kim knew that the foster care journey that God had placed them on was going to be very different than anything she could have ever imagined.  As she looked Shelley over, dressed in baggy hip-hop garb with her hair slicked down, all Kim could think was “She’s just a kid herself.”  Kim could sense that Shelley was angry and defensive, but Kim also sensed that more than anything she was just scared.  She was right.  Kim couldn’t have known at the time, but she eventually came to learn that Shelley herself had been abused as a child.  Her childhood was nothing short of a living hell.

The Necessity of Hope

Lacking any sense of stability and possessing no healthy relationships to speak of, Shelley wandered aimlessly into and through her teen years and, not surprisingly, fell in with the wrong crowd.  No matter what she tried, she always seemed to follow one bad decision with another, until the weight of so many bad choices finally came crashing in on her – and her children.  Shelley’s two little girls were removed from her home and placed into foster care because the state determined that they were not safe.  But like so many other parents in similar situations, Shelley loved her children and wanted the best for them – everything she never had.  The issue was not a lack of love for her kids, but a lack knowing how best to raise and protect them.  Shelley had no idea about where to turn or how to escape from the prison of bad relationships and wrong choices she was trapped in.  She wasn’t the perfect parent and she was keenly aware of that.  Maybe the foster care system could provide a way out – not only for her children, but for Shelley as well. In order for that to happen, however, Shelley would need to encounter people in the system that wanted to help her children as well as her.  What Shelley needed was hope and people who were willing and able to offer it to her.

For Shelley, real hope seemed only a distant reality.  In order to allow her kids to return home, Shelley was told that she first needed to create an effective support system around her.  That sounded fine and well, but Shelley, like many other young women in her position, hardly knew what an effective support system looked like, much less how to assemble one.  Shelley needed more than someone simply telling her where she was going wrong and what she needed to do right.  She desperately needed someone to believe in her, embrace her – imperfections and all – and be willing to walk alongside her on the path toward hope and healing.

The changes did not come instantly, but Shelley worked her plan and things eventually began to turn around.  Over the course of many months it was two steps forward followed at times by one step back, but Kim meant what she said when she first met Shelley.  What started as an awkward and unexpected greeting had become Kim and Steve’s mission.  They had come to believe in Shelley enough to take the chance that she could turn her life around.  If and when she did, this would mean one less family permanently disrupted.  Kim and Steve understood more and more each day that their family had become foster parents for reasons that were so much bigger than they could have ever imagined when they started.  Foster care was becoming their ministry and it was an opportunity to be a part of helping to restore and change lives, even as their own lives were being changed in the process.

As Shelley continued struggling to get things together, Kim and Steve never gave up hope and never stopped praying for Shelley and reaching out to her to show their support in tangible and practical ways.  They helped make sure she could get to her parenting classes and counseling sessions.  They helped her find a job and even invited her to church.  They prayed for her and encouraged her as she made decisions and took steps to put her life back together.  They had always been focused first and foremost on what was best for Shelley’s girls and they extended that same focus to Shelley as well.  As they did, they realized that Shelley and her daughters were becoming part of their family.

Kim and Steve were not the only ones helping Shelley and her girls.  Shelley was also blessed to have a compassionate and caring case worker, who in some ways was too young and inexperienced to know that few would fault her if she assumed Shelley would fail.  Equally important, Shelley began attending church with Kim and Steve and she was amazed to see how the church welcomed her in.  Church was probably the last place Shelley would ever have expected to find support.  In a short period of time, however, the church became the backbone of her support system, helping her not only find a job, a car and a place to live, but also the love, acceptance and relationships she needed to ensure her recovery would succeed.

Expecting the Exception

Kim, Steve and Shelley’s story is, in many ways, not the norm.  As Kim and Steve soon found out with subsequent foster children, some birth parents are unable or unwilling to make the right decisions and pull things together in order to become suitable parents.  But the question remains – should we assume the ‘rule’ or should we expect the ‘exception,’ no matter how frustrating it may be at times and no matter how often we are proven wrong?

Foster parents have tremendous power to shape our foster care system by providing an environment that creates many more ‘exceptions,’ and gradually, if ever so slowly, changes the ‘rule.’  This is not some idealistic vision that calls for the end of foster care in our lifetime or even an ambitious and laudable effort to clear the roles of children who are waiting.  No, what we need is an army of foster parents that re-imagine what is possible because they understand foster care primarily as a ministry.  With a renewed and fresh passion to see hearts mended, bodies healed and lives transformed – both children and parents alike – these foster parents can, and are, making the realities and outcomes of foster care different for all involved.  They expect the ‘exception’ and refuse to accept or even be discouraged by the commonly assumed ‘rule.’

This is precisely what Kim and Steve did with the help of many others.  Easier said than done – no doubt.  But then again, the ‘exception’ – filled with miracles of grace and blessings of hope – is far better than the ‘rule.’

Today Shelley is married to a loving husband and together they are raising her two girls.  After Shelley’s two girls were able to return home, Kim and Steve moved to a different city and Shelley soon followed.  She now lives just down the street from them, and they and the kids get together often.  Shelley still works for the same company she began working for while her kids were still in foster care.  Most importantly, Shelley has come to know and experience the redemptive power of Jesus Christ.  Because of His grace in her life she continues to heal from her own painful past even as she provides the love and care for her girls that most thought would never be possible.

Kim and Steve fostered again and they ended up adopting a little girl.  They have since adopted again.  You don’t have to talk to them long to realize that they are the first to acknowledge that foster care stories do not always work out like theirs and Shelley’s did.  But having seen the redemptive power that this grace-filled ministry can have, you will never convince them that the blessings of approaching foster care in this way don’t far outweigh the risks.  After all, two little girls and a mother have been reunited, more healthy and whole than ever before, and no one who participated in or witnessed this wonderful story will ever see foster care quite the same again.

* The names in this story have been changed to protect their privacy.

Myth:  Adoption is a great way to “save” or “rescue” a child.

Reality:  Adoption is defined by mutual blessing – both being a blessing and being blessed.  But the adoption journey is also marked with loss and pain as well as challenges.  In the end, our motivation for adopting must always include a committment to love unconditionally – no matter what.

Read Saved By Adoption: Nikolas’ Story (from the June/July 2009 issue of Adoption Today magazine) to see what Don and Joanie learned about what it means to “save” a child through adoption.

Myth: If I adopt I will miss out on so much.

Reality: Some see adoption for what it doesn’t offer, but in reality, adoption is parenting plus so much.

When my wife and I began considering adoption as a means to start our family, I admit that I gave serious thought to what we might be missing out on. In my mind, adoption became “parenting minus _____”–parenting minus pregnancy, parenting minus trying to decide if our child had my wife’s nose or mine, parenting minus some sort of mystical DNA-driven biological bond that is supposed to exist between a parent and child. Personally, I wasn’t sure if I was willing to give up those things.

Let’s face it: the adoption journey isn’t pregnancy. Where pregnancy is a time-honored process of biology and emotion, adoption is often a process of bureaucracy, paperwork, and, of course, emotion. In addition, the adoption journey tends to be peppered with loss, financial issues, and indefinite timelines, among other things. Waiting for a child to be placed with you is not the same as being pregnant, and there’s no way around that. If you want to insist that adoption is parenting minus pregnancy, I won’t argue. But let’s not leave it at that.

Pregnancy is only nine months of the parenting experience. Hopefully, your adoption wait isn’t too much longer than that. (Of course, an elephant is pregnant for 22 months, which is about how long our adoption process took from start to finish. But I digress …) This might be a ridiculous oversimplification, but please don’t allow the prospect of missing out on nine months of pregnancy or how you imagined your family might start keep you from the lifetime of joy and grace that comes from adoption. Besides, you’ll likely find that your community of support is just as excited to celebrate your adoption placement as they would be to celebrate your pregnancy. They’ll buy gifts for your child, host a baby shower for you, and demand to see pictures of how you’ve decorated the nursery. The reality is that when your child comes home–whether via the delivery room or an adoption placement–you’re just getting started. Or as the Carpenters taught us years ago, “we’ve only just begun.”

What I mean by that is adoptive parenting is largely parenting. An average day in the life of an adoptive parent is basically the same as the average day of any other parent: get the kids up, get them fed, get them dressed, and so on. Yes, adoption-related scenarios arise from time to time, but you address them as a family and you grow together in love. It’s also worth mentioning that adoptive families can face a variety of medical, behavioral, and developmental challenges. To deny that would be naive or disingenuous. But the last time I checked, parents of biological children face those same challenges. It seems best to classify those as parenting issues, not adoptive parenting issues or biological parenting issues.

The reality of adoption is that parenting a child who was adopted is parenting plus, not parenting minus. Adoptive parenting is parenting plus an exploration of identity and healing and grace. It’s parenting plus an exploration of loss and culture and redemption. It’s parenting plus an exploration of hope and the gospel and wholeness. Adoptive parenting is parenting plus, and I think you’d have a hard time finding an adoptive parent who would tell you otherwise. It may not always be easy, but it’s worth it.

Myth: Attaching with an adopted child is difficult and is often impossible.

Reality: With the right approach and some patience you can form a secure attachment with your adopted child.

Mine! It’s the cry of every young boy and girl as they excitedly pronounce their exclusive claim to a much coveted toy. Mine! As in all mine, my very own and just for me. At some level we all can understand and relate to this child-like claim of ownership and possession. As we get older, however, we come to learn (hopefully) that life requires us to share, and that in so doing we can actually find great satisfaction and joy.

When it comes to the thought of our own child, our heart still yearns to exclaim “Mine!” Yet for those considering adoption the question “will he be mine?” is one of the most pressing and even fear-filled questions they must face. The usual assumption is that biological parent/child relationships are best and as a result those considering adoption are often left to search for answers to questions that may seem impossible to answer.

Generally speaking, women seem more willing to discuss these difficult issues of bonding and attachment relating to adoption. However, I’ve learned that men (even those who are already dads) also face similar questions and concerns as well, even if in their own way. I wrote about some of my own experience in Completely His, where I detailed some of the questions that I faced as I sought to discover who my son truly is and understand how best to connect with him. And for those who adopt a child that has experienced abuse, neglect or other life traumas, questions and issues of attachment and connecting can be all the more acute.

Are You Willing to Dance?

Fundamentally, the issue of attachment raises two questions for parents: will my child bond and attach with me and will I bond and attach with my child?  The answer is an unequivocal yes – but you must be willing to learn to dance.

Simply understood, parent and child attachments are nothing more than relationships, but they are incredibly special and important ones at that. Many adoption and child development experts have concluded that virtually every child can form healthy and secure attachments with their parents, but it may not happen immediately and it may not unfold exactly the way you imagined.

To build this secure and trusting relationship you have to be willing to learn what Dr. Karyn Purvis refers to as the “attachment dance.” This dance is nothing more than the recognition that attachment is a two-way street where the parent and child are constantly learning about and from each other. As you “dance” with your child his needs are met and an all-important trusting relationship is formed.

Learning the “attachment dance” with many children adopted as infants comes fairly easily and almost naturally. However, for children that have experienced abuse, neglect and institutionalization it can often take longer to learn this dance. The same can even be true for a child adopted as an infant if his birthmother was exposed to high levels of stress or harmful substances during her pregnancy. For these children, parents need to be able to identify any number of potential attachment related issues or challenges and they must also be willing to consider some unique approaches to parenting in order to help their children heal from their past and form secure attachments for the future. The key is, however, that regardless of a child’s start in life, with the right approach and some patience you and your child can learn the “attachment dance.”

In addition, when approaching the issue of building a secure attachment with your child, it is important to recognize that what you, as a parent, bring to the table is equally important. Each parent has his own attachment style, which resulted in part from his own past experiences as well as the attachment style of his parents. In fact, research shows that children more often than not take on the attachment style of their parents. Therefore as parents focus on forming secure and healthy attachments with their child it is important that they become familiar with their own attachment style, learn to be honest about the pain and hurts from their own past and always remain mindful of their own emotional well-being. This self-reflective approach will help to ensure that you as a parent are learning your dance steps.

Steps to Help Build Secure Attachments

As questions about attachment begin to flood your heart and mind, always remember that you are not alone. Questions like “will he be mine” or “will she bond with me” are perfectly normal – and they are questions worth spending time on as you reflect and seek answers.

Here are just a few simple steps that you can follow as you confront the myths surrounding the issue of attachment:

Remember that you’re not alone – Questions regarding attachment in adoption are very common and normal. Recognize that you are not alone in having these questions and even fears. This recognition will allow you the freedom to confront these questions even as you seek wisdom and guidance in finding answers.

Talk with others – Make a point to find other experienced adoptive families that you can talk with openly and honestly. Ask questions of them and listen to how they dealt with their questions and fears. Find out what was helpful for them as they confronted these same issues.

Read and prepare before you adopt– Adoption often comes with some amount of waiting required. Use your wait to read up on attachment issues that are relevant to the adoption path you have chosen. Here are just a few books and resources that can help:

The Connected Child by Drs. Karyn B. Purvis and David R. Cross

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray

Welcome Home: A Guide to Bonding With Your Baby After Adoption (www.adoptivefamilies.com/bonding/)

Resources from Dr. Karyn Purvis – a collection of helpful resources, including video presentations, from Dr. Karyn Purvis explaining the attachment cycle and dealing with various attachment-related issues (www.irvingbible.org/index.php?id=1581 and www.empoweredtoconnect.org)

Attachment Disorders – a detailed site containing information concerning a wide variety of attachment issues and challenges (www.attachmentdisorder.net/)

The Myth: It costs too much to adopt.

The Reality: With help many people making a modest income can afford to adopt.

For many families the dream of adoption ends when they see how much it costs. What was once a great desire is squashed by the reality of $20,000 – $40,000 in fees. For many, this seems impossible at first. What do you do if you find yourself in this position? Please don’t give up hope! Though the costs seem high, there is great encouragment from God’s Word about God’s ability to provide. There are also a growing number of resources available to help families with the cost of adoption.

First, remember that God personally knows the high cost of adoption. It cost Him the blood of His only son to adopt His children. The price we pay in adopting pales in comparison. Also, remember that God loves to provide for His children. Jesus said, “If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him” (Matthew 7:11). There a lot of good gifts that God gives to His children and adoption is definitely one of them! Not only does God love to provide but He is able to provide. Paul reminds the Corinthians that “God will generously provide all they need” (2 Cor 9:8). This reminds me of the fridge magnet in my grandparents home that said something very true: “Where God guides, God provides.” If you are sensing God’s call to adopt then God will not leave you without the means. That is not to say that it will be easy. On the contrary it seems that God often likes to bring us through difficult experiences so that we will have to trust Him all the more. Though challenging, it is those times that we grow most in our relationship with the Lord and it is in these circumstances that we often see God provide in the most wonderful of ways.

My wife and I felt the call to adopt when I was just starting out in ministry. I was in a small church plant, going to seminary, and my salary was very low. We had no resources of our own and had to trust that God would provide for the whole cost of the adoption. There were many times when I struggled with believing God could or would do this but He did. Every dollar for the adoption came through gifts of family and friends, an interest-free loan, a matching grant, personal fundraising, and a grant. We experienced the whole gamete of help available! I was left humbled and awed at God’s goodness and the kindness of others!

Now four years later, I have the joy of working full-time for the ministry that provided us with an interest-free loan for our adoption. Everyday I have the privilege of hearing from families stepping out in faith and putting the call of God and the love of these children before their desire for financial security. To top it off I hear story after story of God’s faithful provision through various means. More than ever I believe “where God guides, He provides.”

This leads to the second thing to remember as you consider the cost of adoption; there are many financial resources available to those adopting. These include the Government’s Federal Adoption Tax Credit, interest-free loans, grants, and personal fundraising (click here for a list of these resources). Further, an increasing number of churches are helping families by establishing local church adoption funds. This enables the church body to tangibly care for people and join in the adoption journey. Don’t be afraid to share your need with others and invite them to pray and to help financially if they are able. For many, it is a joy they don’t want to miss out on!

When you look at the cost of adoption it can be daunting! Do not let it stop you in your tracks. Pray about it. Trust in God’s ability and love to provide. Then do all you can to tap into the resources available. The cost may be high but it is definitely worth it. In fact, it is priceless. It is your child that God has planned for your family!

The Myth: It takes years to adopt.

The Reality: Not necessarily.

Every adoption process is unique, from the timeline to the hidden challenges to the surprising joys. In regard to timeline, it’s true that some adoption processes take years to complete. Currently, the wait for an adoption through China is around four years. But that wasn’t the case a few years ago and it may not be the case a few years from now. And there are several countries, Ethiopia for example, for which the wait is nowhere near that long (assuming you can get your paperwork and finances together quickly).

Like international adoption, domestic adoption doesn’t operate under a single timeline. Private adoption, agency adoption, and adopting through the foster system are all different processes that move at different speeds. Even choices such as the agency you use and the desired demographics of the child you hope to adopt can affect your timeline. As a result, it’s inaccurate to characterize adoption in general as taking a certain amount of time. If you’re interested in adoption and the length of wait is an important factor for you, research all of your options. For international adoption, talk with multiple agencies about timelines for the different programs they offer. For domestic adoption, talk with agencies and other organizations about timelines for the various domestic channels. Hopefully, you’ll be able to find a timeline you’re comfortable with.

As my wife and I explored the international adoption process, we knew that certain countries were off the table for us because of timeline. To us, timeline was just as important a factor as cost, travel requirement, and the age of available children. When we finally chose Vietnam, we did so because we were comfortable with everything that would be required of us as a waiting family (or so we thought).

Once you begin your process and your wait, the key becomes “waiting well.” Assuming that you’re taking care of whatever responsibilities you have for keeping the process moving, the rest is out of your hands. Most of us like to be in control of our situation, and the adoption wait regularly clashes with that desire. It’s difficult to let go, trust that God is guiding your journey, and wait, but that’s what waiting well requires. Waiting well means using the time leading up to our placement (whether it be weeks, months, or years) to prepare ourselves as best we can physically, mentally, spiritually, experientially, relationally, and financially for the child that is coming into our home.

At first, letting go during our wait was difficult for me and my wife because we were so excited and eager to become adoptive parents. Letting go became even more difficult when diplomatic strife between the US and Vietnam threatened to end our process before we were even matched to a child. We spent several months not knowing if we’d get to adopt from Vietnam before the country closed US adoptions, and it was agony. However, during that time we got involved where appropriate by writing letters to the State Department and did our best to find peace in the midst of our uncertainty. Despite the emotional toll of the waiting game, we tried to prepare ourselves for the different possible outcomes we were facing.

Through that time, we discovered the incomparable value of waiting well by taking very practical steps toward getting ready for an adoption placement. These steps made a huge difference in the quality of our wait, and I hope they’ll make a difference for you, too:

• Read about adoption and child development.
• Connect with other adoptive families and learn from their journeys.
• Educate your friends and family about the adoption process and what they should expect after your child comes home.
• Pray for guidance and strength as you strive to make the most of your wait.

In the end, the adoption journey doesn’t end with a placement. As you and your child grow together, you’ll find that the miracle of adoption has only begun to unfold in your life and you’ll realize that your wait, however long it may have lasted, was worth it.