She is our first foster placement and while she is such a joy the experience is not without work. She came by ambulance because she had to stay in a horizontal position on a pillow. Both of her legs were broken. She had a fractured rib and a couple of other injuries. We kept hearing over and over again about how much force it must have taken to result in such injuries. Something about baby’s bones being like green tree branches… very bendable and hard to break. We still haven’t heard the story of how she was hurt. I’m not sure that I want to.

Her biological parents aren’t giving any information. A relative has come forward requesting to be considered to take care of this little girl. If they pass their homestudy, most likely she will leave our home and go to her relatives.

The question we have been asked so much, which I imagine a lot of foster parents must get, is, “How do you keep a balance of loving her and not holding her too close since she may not stay?” I think it is a natural question to ask; after all, how can anyone relate to that who hasn’t walked through it personally? It’s a good question… it’s a hard question.

What I have said is the balance is not like that of a scale, where the increase of one side (or awareness) diminishes the opposing side. Rather, I think it feels more like a yo-yo in the hands of a novice. I myself am such a novice so I speak from metaphorical experience. You see, when I hold this little girl, feed her, wipe her chin, make her smile and watch her eyes light up, it is wonderful and natural and smooth (like when the yo-yo is magically doing what it is supposed to). Then every once in a while I think, ‘she might not stay forever.’ This feels like a radio bulletin interrupting a song, and the result is a sort of jerking feeling around my chest, much like a yo-yo being clumsily jerked upward. At times I feel a little sick from it. And then I remember that there is nothing I can do to change the future, whatever it may be. I have been given today, and so I hold her tighter and give her another kiss and try to make her laugh more often.

It’s the same response I would have if I heard that my biological son was going to be taken away, perhaps from an illness or something. To say ‘I would feel sad’ would be such an understatement; but at the same time I would be keenly aware of every second I had left with him. While I certainly think the duty of a foster parent is, in part, to remember that the child is not fully ‘yours’ so long as they are under ‘foster’ status, I also don’t know how anyone could ‘guard their heart’ from loving a child. Loving a child as though they are your own does not require them to actually ‘be’ yours, though at times this may prove more difficult than others. And yet, at the end of the day this baby is in God’s hands and no one else’s. Just like my biological son. Just like everyone else in my life I hold dear. And honestly, shouldn’t that be a comfort to our hearts? That is, at least, what I keep reminding my own heart.

Practical tips we have tried to help our home to love ‘in the moment’:

What helpful tips have you used in your home to help you and/or your household with loving ‘in the moment’?

Because each of my children were adopted this question necessarily brings me ‘face to face’ with the reality of my children’s birthparents, in particular their birthmothers. It causes me to consider and reconsider the undeniable role each of these women played in giving my children life and their relationship with my children (and my children with them) – both past, present and future.

Honestly I don’t think most adoptive parents spend enough time really looking at adoption from the perspective of birthparents. I think this may be particularly true of adoptive dads. With the ever growing prevalence of open adoption there is little doubt that birthparents may be more and better understood now than ever before. However, I still think that more of us should spend time unpacking this view of the adoption kaleidoscope. I know that is certainly the case for me.

As I continue to sift through what it means to truly love my children the thought provoking article by Miroslav Volf below came to my mind. I came across the article by Volf several years ago, just after reading his amazing book Free of Charge. Volf, himself an adoptive father, tells of his own face to face experience with one of his children’s birthmothers, and how it reshaped his view of his children’s birthmothers and gave him new insight into what it means for him to “truly love” his children.

She Who Truly Loves
-Miroslav Volf

The first thing I saw was a tear–an unforgettable giant tear in the big brown eye of a ten-year-old girl. Then I saw tears in her mother’s eyes. In these tears, just enough joy was mixed with pain to underscore the pain’s severity: joy at seeing him, their three-month-old brother and son, and intense pain at having kissed him good-bye when he was just two days old; the ache that he, flesh of their flesh, was being brought to them for a brief visit by two strangers who are now his parents; the affliction of knowing that the joy of loving him as a mother and sister usually do will never be theirs.

The joy and the pain of those tears led me to a repentance of sorts. My image of mothers who place their children for adoption was not as bad as my image of the fathers involved, but it was not entirely positive either. I could not shake the feeling that there was something deficient in the act. The taint of “abandonment” marred it, an abandonment that was understandable, possibly even inescapable and certainly tragic, but abandonment nonetheless. To give one’s child to another is to fail in the most proper duty of a parent: to love no matter what.

Somewhere in my mind, a famous verse from Isaiah colored the way I was reading birth mothers’ actions: “Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you” (Isa. 49:15). A good mother, I thought, ought to be like Israel’s God, absolutely unable to “give up” her child (cf. Hos. 11:8).

But a mother is not God, only a fragile human being living in a tragic world. So why think immediately of abandonment because she decides to place her child for adoption? The tears of our son’s birth mother and the actions which, like a beautiful plant, were watered by those tears, suggested that my view of at least some birth mothers may be not only mistaken but also morally flawed. I needed to repent and alter the image.

Later, as I was reflecting on those tears, I came across a passage in Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. “Witness the pleasure that mothers take in loving their children. Some mothers put their infants out to nurse, and though knowing and loving them do not ask to be loved by them in return, if it be impossible to have this as well, but are content if they see them prospering; they retain their own love for them even though the children, not knowing them, cannot render them any part of what is due to a mother.” The text comes from Aristotle’s discussion of friendship. He employs the example to make plausible that “in its essence friendship seems to consist more in giving than receiving affection.” For Aristotle, a “birth mother” manifests the kind of love characteristic of a true friend, a love exercised for that friend’s sake, not for benefits gained from the relationship.

“It is hard to know that you have a child in the world, far away from you,” wrote our son’s birth mother in her first letter to us. It is hard because love passionately desires the presence of the beloved. And yet it was that same love that took deliberate and carefully studied steps that would lead to his absence. In a letter she wrote for him to read when he grows up, she tells him that her decision to place him for adoption was made for his own good. “I did it for you,” she wrote repeatedly and added, “Some day you will understand.”

She loved him for his own sake, and therefore would rather suffer his absence if he flourished than enjoy his presence if he languished; her sorrow over his avoidable languishing would overshadow her delight in his presence. For a lover, it is more blessed to give than to receive, even when giving pierces the lover’s heart. My image of birth mothers had changed: “she who does not care quite enough” has become “she who truly loves.”

When we parted, a smile had replaced the tears on the face of our son’s birth mother. Now it was my turn to cry. Back at home, with him in one arm and an open album she made for him in the other, I shed tears over the tragedy of her love. Despite an intense affection for our son–no, because of such affection–I thought there was something profoundly wrong about his being with us and not with her. In a good world, in a world in which the best things are not sometimes so terribly painful, he and she would delight and thrive in each other’s love.

The encounter with our son’s birth mother left an indelible mark not so much on my memory as on my character. She helped me articulate what it means to be a good parent. A vision of parenting that was buried under many impressions and opinions emerged clearly on the horizon of my consciousness. I ought to love him the way she loved him, for his own sake, not for mine. I must not pervert my love into possession. I can hold onto him only if I let go of him.

But how can I let go of him whom I long so intensely to hold? The only way I know is by placing him in the arms of the same God from whom we received him. I remembered another deeply pained woman–a woman who suffered not so much because she had to give away her child but because, like my wife and me, she needed a miracle to receive a child. It was Hannah, the mother of Samuel. She was given the child she so desperately desired because she was willing to let go of him (1 Sam. 1:11).

Even those of us who will not set our children “before God as Nazirites,” as Hannah did, will love them best if we hold them–in God’s arms.

Miroslav Volf is the Henry B. Wright Professor of Theology at Yale Divinity School.

COPYRIGHT 1998.  Reproduced with permission from the August 26, 1998 issue of Christian Century (www.christiancentury.org).

Demarcus Ware and his wife, Taniqua, just adopted their daughter, Marely. Great story. Beautiful family.

(via nyt.com)

There are (at least) three things you should be keenly aware of in choosing an agency which can apply to both CPA’s and CPS:
#1. What kind of support will they give you as a foster parent?
Especially if you are thinking of going with a private CPA, support is one of your primary concerns. I say especially for CPA’s because, in general, the main draw CPA’s market is having added resources for their parents. That does not necessarily mean CPS has less resources, but at the very least it means the resources available are different. By support I mean trainings, case worker availability, and 24 hour emergency availability. Often times, ‘support’ can be confused with ‘personality’. “I like them. We clicked well.” The recruiter’s personality may be a great fit for yours but they may not be the person you are going to work with on a daily basis. Don’t just trust your first impression intuition. Get to know the organization, and at the very least find out their employee’s experience in foster care and within their organization. If this is their first job out of college and they have zero experience in foster care, your relationship may be in for some rocky moments. This is not a clear warning signal to cut them off your list, but it is a factor to consider in the process.

#2. How are they going to help you stay in compliance?
No matter what people say, the brunt of responsibility for the care of the child lies on your shoulders. How are they going to help you be compliant with the thick book of standards that govern the foster system (in Texas there are over 300 pages worth)? Do they do more than just provide you a copy of the standards? What happens if you mess up? Again, more experienced caseworkers, directors and recruiters are generally going to be a better help then less experienced.

Side Note: There is a saying among foster care professionals that is their mantra: “If it isn’t in writing, it didn’t happen.” That means paperwork is crucial, and keeping a copy of anything you turn in is a wise decision, even in the beginning stages.

#3. Whose responsibility is it to find/place children in your home?
If you are waiting for a child to be placed in your home, this question will be very important to you. You may ask, “How long will it take for me to get a placement?” but any honest agency will tell you they ultimately don’t know. There is no way to predict what kind of children are going to come into the system. They may give you an estimate, but more than likely it will be based on that person’s best guess so ought not take too much stock in the answer. What you need to know is who is the person that is actually looking through placement requests. What other responsibilities are part of this person’s job? How much time is spent looking through placements? How often will you be communicated with while your home is waiting for a placement? Can I call this person to find out what kinds of placements have been coming in? If their explanation for how they would find a child for your home, ask again. You need to have a clear picture for how the logistics work so that you can make an informed decision.

Having a good dialogue with the placement person is a good thing. It lets you know they are working for you and lets them know you are serious in wanting a placement. You can also hear why they didn’t call you and re-examine, if necessary, what you are willing to take into your home. If you are waiting for a newborn baby but have missed 10 calls on toddlers, do you need to change your preference? If you have said that you will absolutely not take a child whose parent’s have a history of schizophrenia, but 95% of the children that have come into care the past month have had parent’s diagnosed with schizophrenia, maybe you need to start researching the issue and re-assess.

Some words of warning
While on the one hand you are a consumer of sorts in the process of choosing the agency that is right for you, you have to recognize this field is not a consumer sensitive field. Not when you compare it to something like buying a house, or selecting the right college or even finding the right job. Foster care exists primarily for the children in care, not the foster parent. In addition, more than likely whatever agency you are thinking about going through is operating as best they can on limited staff, limited funds and limited time. Do not expect them to bend over backwards for you. If they do, don’t forget about the hard questions you need to ask them. Whoever you are talking with is probably keenly invested on your joining their organization, but that doesn’t mean you should. Be careful, and scrutinize, but also try to develop a realistic set of expectations. You can only be realistic as you see the options out there and compare them to each other. Also, be careful in putting too much stock in the experiences of other foster families with particular agencies, be it good or bad. This is a very broken system, so even the best of agencies are going to burn people. However, if 10 out of 10 people all have had extremely negative experience, you might listen to that. You certainly don’t want to join a sinking ship (i.e. a foster agency that loses it’s license because it is not in compliance with the standards of the state). If you are considering changing the agency you are with do your research first. The grass is not always greener depending on the issue, and even if you decide moving agencies is the right decisions, most often it will involve a lot of work and stress. I am not saying you should or shouldn’t, only that a decision like that should be made only after all other options have been exhausted.

A word of encouragement
This process is labor intensive and can last weeks or months; stick it out! These questions are just some broad category questions; for a more indepth list click here. Also, check out your local foster parent association. There is no encouragement like the kind coming from people in your same boat. There is also no perfect experience in foster care. I thought that having worked in the system myself that I was prepared for anything and that my foster parent journey would be smooth sailing. A few stormy months later I realize that at some point it gets frustrating and that’s just part of the experience. A friend of mine says often that in foster care your job is to take on the suffering for children who can’t take it on themselves. Part of that suffering is walking through paths you have never tread before and blundering through the unfamiliar and confusing… in an effort to impact the life of a child.

Only a few days before we had all arrived in Guatemala City – Amy and I, our two boys and Amy’s parents. That night in the lobby of the Guatemala City Marriott Hotel, on the eve of the long-awaited day when they would finally place Kate and Carter in our arms, I wrote Kate and Carter this letter to express the swirl of emotions and thoughts running through my heart and mind.

April 30, 2005

Dear Kate & Carter,

Today we arrived in Guatemala City – all six of us. It is still hard to believe that tomorrow morning they will bring you to us and place you in our arms and you will be part of our family forever. You cannot imagine how unbelievably excited we all are. And your brothers – they both could hardly sleep.

Tomorrow is a day that we have hoped and prayed and longed for for so long. This has been quite a journey with many ups and downs, so for many reasons I suspect that one day you both may ask “why?” Why did we travel this path? What was our motivation? Why Guatemala? Maybe even, why you?

Truth is there are many “why” questions that can be asked about the journey our family has been on, and is still on. And the answer to many of those questions is simply – I don’t know. But I want to tell you some things I do know; some things that I am completely sure of.

One is that your mom and I love you desperately. We have loved you even before we ever knew your names, your stories or what you looked like. You both are “pre-loved” in every sense of the word. Despite all of the ups and downs along this journey one thing never changed – our love and commitment for and to you.

Another thing I know is that your birth mother is a loving, courageous and wonderful woman. We will always teach you to honor and appreciate the loving sacrifice that she made for you both. Your foster mom, who has cared for you these last nine months, is equally wonderful. She has provided you with love and nurturing care and so clearly adores and loves you both deeply. She will always be, together with your birth mother, a very important part of your, and our, stories.

But most importantly, I know that God loves you more than we or anyone could ever love you. His love is really what gives us the ability to love you, and His love has kept you and protected you – and will continue to do so. Our prayer is that as you grow you will come to understand His love for you; that you will come to understand and accept His invitation to adopt you into His forever family. There is no greater decision you could ever make; there is no greater love you could ever receive. My prayer for you both is that you will become His children by faith.

In the end it is quite the case that we did not choose adoption – it chose us. I suppose you could also say that we didn’t choose Guatemala – or even you – it and you chose us in the sense that we had love to give and you were in need of love. So why you – why not you? Why not a family that looks quite different but is bound together forever with a love that is too beautiful to describe. You are the latest chapter in this ongoing story; this incredible love story we call our family. And only our loving God could have written a chapter (and a story) so beautiful and wonderful as this.

Ultimately it is love and the grace of a loving God that has brought us all together. Our family makes evident the truth of the Apostle Paul’s words: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has in store for those who love Him.” God has blessed us all and so through this adoption and throughout our family we are all “mutually blessed.” You both are truly a blessing to our family and a dream come true.

As we embark from this point on to the next chapters of this beautiful story I pray that God will cause and use our family to bless others and bring glory to His name.

With all of my love forever,

Daddy

The response is almost always the same. When everyday people in churches in the Dallas-Ft. Worth area of Texas, where I live, first hear about the realities of children in foster care, the bewildered response comes quickly – “I had no idea.” There is little doubt that far too many people simply do not know about the realities that face hundreds of thousands of children in the U.S. And people seem to equally have “no idea” that there are so many different ways to love, serve and positively impact the lives and futures of these precious children.

Turning Numbers into Faces

Whether we are talking about the over 500,000 children in foster care nationwide, over 100,000 of whom are waiting for an adoptive family, or the fact that 20,000 kids turn 18 and ‘age-out’ of foster care each year without a permanent family, the numbers and statistics are staggering. But honestly, I am not altogether sure our minds or our hearts can really process numbers like these. After all, we are not really talking about “numbers” – we are talking about children. And yet these children we know only as statistics are so “close” to us and their most pressing needs (such as protection, safety, love and permanency) are so basic that it seems for many they have become all too easy to overlook and ignore.

Where I live, however, there is the beginning of a movement that is turning “numbers” back into “faces” – the faces of real children with real needs and real hopes and dreams. Since September 2006, 16 churches have prominently displayed a Heart Gallery exhibit as a way to open the eyes and hearts of people in their congregation.

First started in 2001 in New Mexico, the Heart Gallery is a unique professional quality photographic exhibit of children in foster care who are waiting to be adopted by loving, permanent families. Heart Gallery exhibits have proven to be a valuable and effective tool in raising awareness of children in foster care and motivating people to foster, adopt and serve these children in other important ways. The Heart Gallery can now be found in nearly every state in the U.S., and the exhibits have predominantly been displayed in art galleries, court houses and shopping malls. Only recently has the Heart Gallery begun to make its way into churches.

The churches in Dallas-Ft. Worth that have hosted the Heart Gallery in the past two years represent various denominations (including Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Episcopal and non-denominational churches), range in size from 300 to 15,000 and are located in communities all across our area. By opening their doors and their hearts people within our churches are responding to the call to be a voice for some of our community’s most vulnerable and hurting children – and they have the potential to make a tremendous and lasting impact in our foster care system.

Penny Cook, director of The Faith Connection, an effort in Dallas-Ft. Worth that has been instrumental in helping many churches host the Heart Gallery, describes well the potential impact the Heart Gallery is having in churches:

“The Heart Gallery has provided congregations a valuable connection to children in foster care by giving them an opportunity to see their faces and look into their eyes. The exhibit gives people a connection to these beautiful children and truly opens their hearts and minds to the possible ways they can serve. In many churches, families have stepped forward to become foster or adoptive families, volunteer advocates or mentors. Some churches have even formed ministries to help support foster and adoptive families. And one of the greatest benefits of the Heart Gallery in churches is the incredible number of prayers offered on behalf of these children. The Heart Gallery serves as a catalyst and is planting seeds that are resulting in wonderful expressions of service.”

Churches Making Children in Foster Care a Focus

The church where my family attends, Irving Bible Church located in Irving, Texas, has experienced firsthand the impact of the Heart Gallery. It was one of the first churches in our area to host a Heart Gallery exhibit when it did so in 2006 as part of church-wide focus on children at risk. Even though the exhibit at the time was quite simple and relatively small (only 18 photos featuring 24 children), it made an impact on a number of people who saw it. The seeds that were planted resulted in an increased awareness of the children’s needs and several families moved forward to become foster or adoptive parents or got involved in other ways. In addition, the adoption and foster care ministry at Irving Bible Church (called Tapestry) began making foster care and foster adoption a more significant focus and is now providing ongoing support and resources to foster families throughout the community.

Following the month long exhibit in 2006, our church we reached a simple and obvious conclusion: if hosting the Heart Gallery was a positive experience for our congregation then it was likely to be equally positive for other churches. So we began looking for other churches in the area that would be willing to host the Heart Gallery and, equally important, offer various ways for people in their congregations to become involved. The results were amazing. Within six months five additional churches hosted the Heart Gallery exhibit, each for several weeks, and several more churches were making plans to do the same. It was clear that something was happening – something that both Texas Child Protective Services and many churches in our area were genuinely excited about.

At that time we decided to give a name to this growing effort to “help churches help children in foster care” – and The Faith Connection was launched. From day one Penny Cook has led this church-based, volunteer effort. As a result of her efforts and the cooperation and support of many others, the Heart Gallery of North Texas has now grown to include over 80 photos including over 100 children – and is still growing. Because churches are making foster care a focus, dozens of new foster and adoptive families from various churches have been recruited and many advocates and volunteers have also stepped forward to serve children in foster care.

Taci Kistler, Director of Congregational Care at Custer Road United Methodist Church in Plano, Texas, led the effort at her church to host the Heart Gallery in October 2007. Taci recalls the impact at her church, “The Heart Gallery touches everyone who sees it because it does more than simply put a face on the foster care system – it puts heart into the matter. The children reach out to you through their beautiful smiles and loving eyes and remind you that we are all God’s children put on this earth to care for one another.” Following the Heart Gallery exhibit at Custer Road, Taci organized an information meeting where people could learn more about foster care, adoption and a variety of volunteer opportunities. As a result, six families from the church have become licensed to foster or adopt.

Similar results are being experienced at many of the other churches that are hosting the Heart Gallery. Most recently, in April 2008 Irving Bible Church once again welcomed the Heart Gallery. The exhibit, complete with over 80 photos and artwork created by local children in care, opened with a Saturday night reception where people from Child Protective Services, local foster agencies and children’s community organizations, dozens of churches and over one hundred foster and adoptive families were invited. The focus at Irving Bible Church continued the next day during each of the Sunday services, and after each service people were presented with various ways that they could become involved. As we have consistently done for over two years now, foster care and foster adoption training classes are again being offered to those who want to move forward – and slowly but surely we are becoming a church that is experiencing what it means to fully embrace children in foster care and the families that love and serve them.

Overwhelming an Overwhelmed System

Despite these exciting “successes” there is still so much more that churches can and should do. Increasingly, many states are becoming open to the idea that the church is a tremendous source of hope and help for children in foster care. In 2003 the Texas legislature created a formal faith-based program called CHILD, which reaches out to faith communities and invites them to become part of the team dedicated to serving and caring for children in the foster system. Many other states have formal and informal faith-based initiatives, all of which are aimed at getting churches ‘back in the game’ when it comes to addressing the needs of children in care.

It is no secret that in many ways the foster care system across the U.S. is overwhelmed. While there is much that can and should be changed within the system itself, the reality is that far too many churches have allowed children in foster care to go overlooked and ignored for far too long. But it is never too late. I am convinced that people in our churches, motivated by their faith to put “love into action,” can overwhelm an overwhelmed system. With their nearly endless supply of creativity and resources and their passionate desire to selflessly serve, many in our churches can confront the stark realities that face so many children with “soul force” and in so doing change the futures for thousands of children.

The great British abolitionist John Newton is probably best known for his hymn, Amazing Grace. Written in the latter years of his life as he was gradually going blind, the hymn speaks of the power of grace to open the eyes through which we can truly see – the eyes of the heart. Throughout our community we are seeing “the eyes of the heart” opened as people literally come face to face with children in foster care.

There is something truly unique about seeing the faces of children in foster care – faces of every age, shape, size and hue. These faces communicate far more than any statistic ever could. They almost seem to be staring back as we gaze on them as if to ask – “How much do you really believe? How much do you really care?” In churches located where I live we are encountering many who reply “I had no idea… but now I see.” And now that their eyes have been opened, neither they nor the children they are called to serve will ever be the same.

Originally published in the May/June 2008 issue of Fostering Families Today magazine.

I’m a graphic designer and often geek out over information visualization. This venn diagram by Jessica Hagy illustrates so well my outlook on fatherhood. Yet, I think it’s lacking something. What would you add?