When adopting or fostering wasn't your idea
Co-authored by Matt Donovan & Jason Kovacs
What do you do when your wife asks, “would you ever want to adopt?” There’s no playbook answer. It’s not like “how do I look?” or “which paint color do you like?” In some ways, it’s not even the same as “do you want kids?” A lot of us know the answer to that before we even get married. For a lot of very real reasons, adoption doesn’t look attractive to men right off the bat. Never the less – your wife wants to and you feel like you should take her seriously. You’re not alone. A lot of guys find themselves in the passenger seat on the road to adoption, feeling anxious, guilty, and totally out of control.
HOW DO YOU TAKE THE REIGNS?
Have you considered praying first? Prayer is often overlooked in the frenzy to “do” something (anything!). The fact is, God has a plan for your life. Strive to be gripped by it before you make a life-altering decision. One simple thing to do would be to lookup the words orphan & fatherless in the Bible. Read those verses and their surrounding passages and ask God to give you a heart like his.
Perform a serious gut check. Maybe God is leading in another direction or saying wait. Maybe you’re worried about what others will think. Maybe you’ve got a white-knuckle grip on your ideal of a what a family is. Maybe you don’t think you could love a son or daughter that isn’t your flesh and blood. Maybe your just ticked that your wife is driving this train. Try to separate serious concerns from cowardice. God knows our hearts better than we do and He is good at helping us change and grow.
Talk to someone who’s done this before. You’re not the first man to find himself in this spot. Other people have gone before you here and they can help you understand just what kind of impact it may have on your life, including the joys and challenges. If you find someone honest, they’ve probably worked through a lot of the same junk you find yourself faced with. Find another adoptive or foster dad, buy him a beer and pummel him with questions – hard ones – the ones it seems like you shouldn’t ask another dude.
Take it a step at a time. Pray, reflect, converse, and make a move. It may just simply be a decision to start investigating the process a little more seriously. Going to an informational meeting is not a commitment to be a parent. It’s a good first step and God has promised to direct your steps (Proverbs 16:9). Your wife will probably appreciate your leadership and you can move ahead with confidence – whatever direction that may be.
alex says:
This is a really interesting post. My wife was not interested in adoption when I first brought it up. To her it was admitting defeat in our long challenge of trying to get pregnant along with her fear of not feeling connected with a child that she didn’t give birth to. I had brought it up 4 or 5 times but was facing a brick wall on the issue. Finally I had seen a class being offered by an adoption agency in our town. The class was your run of the mill “Interested in Adoption 101″. I showed my wife the class and told her that if she went with me and still was not interested then I would never bring it up again. I saw it as a way to at least move the conversation a little or wash ourselves of it. Well we went to the class which was great. We walked out and got in the car in complete silence. The whole time I was trying to figure out what to say to measure her interest. As we sat down she looked at me and said “So I guess we just fill this form out and write them a check to start the process, is that what you got out of it?” There was never ever a question from that point on about if she wanted to adopt. She jumped in with both feet.
For those wondering….My wife couldn’t imagine her life now without our 4 year old son and our lives going any different than they did. To this day our adoption has been the greatest thing we have ever done.
Matt Donovan says:
That’s a fantastic story, Alex. It seems like it’s the wife who’s pushing and the husband who is hesitant/resistant. Your story is unique and I’d be interested in hearing about your initial desire to adopt.
alex says:
For me I really wanted to be a parent and share with a child. We had tried to get pregnant for sometime and the process was actually emotionally hurting us on a monthly bases. I simply wanted to be a parent. I wasn’t connected with the “birthing process” at all, but as a male I don’t think I will ever understand a females attachment with that like they do.
I became really interested in the process of adoption once I got past the myths about it. Just as you have writen on other posts there is a ton of myths. I wouldn’t say the process was easy but I wouldn’t call it scary either.
denise says:
Although adopting was initially my idea (wife), it meant a lot to me that my husband prayed over the decision, was willing to endure endless hours of my dreaming, ranting, and scrolling through pictures on the TARE website. Yes, I am the one who filled out most of the forms and made sure we had our ducks in a row to move forward. Now that we have adopted, my husband is raring to go again (and buy a 12 passenger van)… and this time I’m the one tapping the brakes!
I really appreciated the section about “gut check”. I think God gives us intuition for a reason, and we shouldn’t be so quick to discount our spouse’s hesitations (or motivation).
CC says:
You know that feeling when you have been placed “on hold”? That is how I feel. My husband says that he is willing to adopt, but he puts me on hold all the time. When we finally get some paperwork filled out or another decision made we stop and go into the holding pattern. He says that he has prayed about it and I trust that he has; but I feel like he still hasn’t given up on us getting pregnant. It would take a miracle for that to happen. I know God does miracles, but I really feel that the Holy Spirit has told my soul that giving birth isn’t going to happen for us. I am so great with this feeling, in fact, it is very peaceful to know this in my soul. I just wished that I could get my husband to feel that same peace in his soul, so that we can move forward to becoming parents. He will be an awesome, patience, and loving father! I can’t wait!